My Mind Can Feel

I have to admit, I still have some nostalgic sadness which lingers from the end of the Spring semester. Once again, I'll never have another one like it, and despite the hardships, I learned so much and made quite of bit of progress, both academically and emotionally.

For one, I realized my career path in life is a mathematical one - not a physical one, per say. The study of English taught me to organize my thoughts. Astronomy opened my eyes and paved the way for Physics, and Physics made me fall in love with Mathematics. I'm not one who believes in fate, but I guess you could say I believe it was a natural progression of events and thought development which led me to the where I am now: a nearly 25-year-old aspiring mathematician, teacher, and more importantly, student. What draws me most to teaching, not just the 3 month summer vacations or even the feeling of empowering others through your knowledge, but always and forever being a student - always learning.

Doing and learning math does something to me. It clicks on some logical part of my brain and makes me think more clearly not just about the Calculus problem at hand, but other areas of my life. I've never been a particularly "rational" person. My emotions range too far along the spectrum to have any solid hold on reality, but studying and teaching math all the time forces me to see the world through analytical eyes - something I've lacked for a very long time. While there are holes in my education, starting from K-9 and up, I feel I'm slowly patching those gaps which were lost on me as a youth. I feel like a kid at the same time that I feel I'm getting much older. It's a strange sensation, but not unwelcome, and feeds back into my sentiments of the concept of life coming together naturally, with and without my conscious actions.

Perhaps that's why I've been able to finally and fully distance myself from my ex. Not to say there weren't relapses on both ends, but the final product was a good one. Closure, reason, lingering love, and emotional acceptance found a balance and home together. I can move on.

This summer I have decided to dedicate myself to seeing a bunch of old timer concerts, modern summer festivals, continuing massage classes, spending time with friends and family, tutoring, getting back in shape, and furthering my education: a Linear Algebra and Elementary Statistics class. It most certainly will be a Summer of Rock 'N Roll to be remembered.

Oh my love for the first time in my life

My eyes are wide open

Oh my love for the first time in my life

My mind can feel.

I feel sorrow, oh I feel dreams

Everything is clear in my heart

I feel life, oh I feel love

Everything is clear in our world.

~John Lennon, "Oh My Love"

Dimming

From great distances, or microns near
the fibers of my skin remembers - as though you were here.
And the tear, which remains splitting
from your careless folly, is unfair.
Our love holds like the stars - the space between us substantial,
and only grows more colossal, with time.
But by talons of your emotions,
the physical differences become minute - waned memories magnified.
Like a reluctant aperture into the past
the light never dims on you.
No, the light never dims on you,
even as our detachment becomes more vast, and solidified.

The Hard Way

Nobody else around me will ever know the dark, overwhelming, parasitical anger inside, and although I have taken measures to heal or lessen its effects, it is as much a part of me as the warm and caring person who feels for others unconditionally. Finding the balance may take a lifetime, but the rate at which my mind is growing through my studies, I hope my heart follows suit. I know we're all human, but it seems as though the people, especially the men in my life and starting with my own dad, had to first completely debase and mistreat me in order to realize I was worth anything to them. And after repeated careless stakes that pierced me, my rage advanced twofold on the people who caused me pain, and in the moment on anyone who disrespects me just a little. Does it always take hurting someone horrendously first to realize you love them? And I know if I had done the same to them, they wouldn't have allowed it, but I did allow it and it is completely fucked up. Still, I loved them and there is no magical parallel universe I can just slip into where they were magically not fucked up to me. I just need the pain to stop eating away at me.

I have even considered taking anger management classes, though my busy schedule and lack of funds hasn't permitted any such luxuries. Anyways, I'll be ok. The madness comes and goes, and so have the people who proved they weren't supposed to stay in my life. What I need now is to work on forgiving both myself and the people who damaged me. I don't want to let any experience debilitate me, as I've been stunted long enough.

I've had a few guys express interest in me, romantically and otherwise, but right now I feel like it is more of an inconvenience in my life to date. Someday, someone will love me right, for now I'm learning everything I ever slacked off on and never gave myself enough credit to apply myself to in grade and high school, and I will tell you, it is simply amazing. Not just the plasticity of the brain, but the incredible journey of how we understand and came to understand the universe, and how it just works, from the most seemingly simple motions to grand schemes. There is an elegance to everything around us, and I cannot soak it up fast enough.

It would be easier to be insane. But I'm not, and I have to keep learning and growing, the hard way.

Seasons Out of Time

Having a mental breakdown in the midst of pursuing an education, especially a heavily mathematical and scientific one, is never a good idea. Depression is the worst thing to happen to intellect: preying upon logical thoughts and quickly deteriorating even common sense. And unless you're Descartes, talking yourself out of it is not really an option.

I think it's safe to say I'm no longer in danger of the looney bin; however, I can still feel leftover shards. I would never be so selfish and cruel to the people who love me to do it, but it sure as hell sounds pretty bloody damn good at times. Driving home from class tonight, a little left in my mind, I couldn't stop what deeply dismal thoughts came: the pure pain and disappointment resulting from life and all its antics, from the people I trusted and cared most about, from the ugly things they and strangers have done, and from my own shortcomings. The fact is, I know the torment will only continue and sometimes, I would love to let it all end. The more excruciating the pain becomes, the less I care for the repercussions, the more distanced and numb I feel to even my best friends.

But that's so damn dramatic. And at heart, I think, I am a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, and empathetic individual. That's who I really am - who I'm supposed to be. I know my blog is not the most uplifting out there, but if you met me in real life, you'd wonder where all the darkness lay, it is so unapparent in my everyday, smirking self. I use this blog as one of my only outlets of therapy. And life isn't supposed to be easy anyway, just like higher math, or physics, or there would be no point to it at all. Somewhere along the way, someone (or several someones) had the same problems the rest of us did, and having grappled with them, found a pattern and method in which they could be understood. My Calculus professor said mathematics is just the study of patterns, and life is rife with these. Perhaps life's dilemmas are not always solvable, but at the very least, worthy of being challenged.

We had seasons in the sun;
but the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time.
Goodbye, my friend,
it's hard to die.

~Terry Jacks

Growing Pains

Although I feel Summer's end closing in on me, the last two months have been jam-packed and well-spent seeing friends, working 'till I dropped, and finally learning Calculus the proper way - in a classroom. Undoubtedly, there have been growing pains for me, internally, since leaving my last rocky relationship, but it has gotten better. My ex is like a ghost. He likes to haunt me. And by that I mean not in my mind, but he actually makes repeated calls from unblocked numbers and writes heartfelt emails unable to be ignored. I even met with him once to give him closure - maybe for us both. Some couples can end on good terms. We tried and have many times, including the last episode. But for me, the memory of him includes not just the good times, but the horrible ones which have left discreet scars. And after repeated contact with him I start to feel the subliminal burn of those wounds. He blames me for not letting go of the past he put me through, and perhaps he's right. Our last exchange over the phone was beyond unpleasant. I hope he heard from my voice not just the petty words, but the pain - the pure agony that has resulted from the past year of keeping and trying to stifle those demons. Now it's time to let them go. I hope to God he leaves me be.

I made another difficult but good, gut decision to leave my job at Bevmo. It has been a fun and educational job, but I have more important and bigger things to move onto and pursue. For now, this Calculus class is the next step towards those goals. I might go on a date this Friday with a new guy I've been talking to, but my heart will stay focused and dedicated to the dreams I want and will accomplish.

SI

I want to keep cutting myself. I want to saw and bleed out all the pain from my body, until I'm depleted of all the ugly emotions and stirrings inside. Starting again after so long is intoxicating, better than any drug or drink I've taken, and more effective. I've cut superficially since, but not like this, enough to fully soak the band-aids I haphazardly tape on. The relief is immediate, and sometimes followed by an giddy high.

The aftermath is a different story. Even if some secret satisfaction lingers, I have to deal with the shame of hiding my wounds and later scars, making up lame excuses for their existence if I slip in coverage, and dreading the next heated episode of wanting to continue the act. Because I don't if I really think about it. The part of me that conquered this before feels disappointed, pathological, and defeated. If I can't deal with this now, how will I ever? Life will always be full of small and large crises, and I can't keep turning to this ritual which solves nothing.

Most of all I want to learn not just better coping skills, but communication as well. A lot of my desire to cut stems from an inability to convey what I am feeling in a productive and healthy way. So what other people see as a psychotic, angry outburst, I know is really just a plea for an ear to truly listen.

Wonder Waves

The rage inside me is a wave, continuous

and always on the move, changing

with each new amplitude - breeds a unique battle ground,

each more calamitous than the last.

But the words rolled around, over and over again

in my head, and on my tongue

are the same, trite and crass.

The meaning of them grows obsolete

and only proves the mind's subservience to a distant past,

as the will to fight fluctuates in violent streams.

Like the Sun I hold no peace,

but there is equilibrium within reach.

I believe I can but just can't figure out

how to stop, or fool, or destroy an enemy

which is neither man nor ghost,

but inherent contradiction

between the self and the soul.

Body Fear

Please do not try to touch me
for what you perceive as my body - is not,
is an empty carcass which does nothing
to protect me from others' harm.

Either the world is blind or am I, and surely twisted.

And none who hold more shame in knowing

that truth was only myth, incarnated.

They say enveloped in another's arms,

all perils not gone shall be diminished,

so I never would have envisioned

beyond my wildest fabrications,

that love itself was the specter;

the demon in my view.

Feigning to be the greatest guardian,

then turning inward to covet

the very seed you created.

So tell me what is Truth?

I know not what intimacy is, only that it handles

my body in hands which are cold, thus a degree of potency

I could not sever myself from such strange affectivity.

Now I am older, and still I feel the same.

Nowhere to place this anger,
so it stays inside my veins.
I thought I would heal with time,
but my skin would not let me forget.
I would like to love again, but you are just like him:
whereas once I held you in such high revere
now I shrink back from you in fear.

Retrograde Motion

I am back in the 90's, musically. The sweet, old school tunes of Sugar Ray, Everclear, Third Eye Blind, 2pac, Notorious B.I.G and many other gems are my only company deep into the night. A warm, fuzzy, familiar feeling returns every time I play these songs, and in my dismal circumstances I feel a balm-like hope seeping out of my troubles.

Yesterday I attended my second SIA meeting, and actually opened up to several other survivors, and one woman in particular named Evelyn, who knew exactly what I've been through, and worse. In 2 meetings, this support group has already been more effective than 7 sessions with my previous therapist, not to mention without a bloody $400 dent in my pocket. Although my abuse was short-lived, no one around me, not my family or exes or best friends, knows or is even vaguely aware of how traumatized and scarred the experience left me; how much shame, loneliness, and anger I have harbored for so long, or how detrimental the effects have been. But I'm getting better, and now I have a small, close-knit community which not only understands but helps to pull one another through the painful darkness.

Revisiting the past doesn't always necessarily mean moving backwards. Tycho was wrong about the planets, after all. Settling the past will help me get back on track with my goals, whether those are academic, financial, or emotional. Already I'm formulating and focusing. The past is a cripple to me now? I think not.

Two nights before I turned 13. I know because the morning after, all I did was play Blink 182's "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket" album over and over, that the next day, I almost forgot I had become a teenager overnight.

Paraview

I can see the horizon
just as well as concrete under soles,
others' benevolence -
covering black perilous holes.
But I am fixed on those
strange things, perfectly human deeds
unable to accept the abhorrent beast
existing within myself and other close bodies.
Roaming free, harmless
except when eyes averted, darkness
allowed to flourish, preys upon weaker beings
and engulfs the organs capable of vision.
I thought I was happy once,
until one night he crept on me, in my sleep
and since then I have been ever increasingly disfigured,
unable to love or understand
the image in the mirror.